I am Already Her

 My Sonder Soft Life

I'm on the verge of giving birth to something. I just don't quite know what it is yet. An african chief once told me to never be afraid of the in-between. And to know that those moments when you feel lost, are moments of confirmation. The confirmation is knowing that you've grown out being the older version of yourself, and now your world must adjust to the new you. When he told me that it was a huge sign of relief. That shift in perspective lifted so much pressure from my heart. 

I know what I want, for the most part. All of my life I held pride in the fact that I knew everything that I wanted to do, and now that I can do whatever I want it's slightly overwhelming. This time last year it was overwhelimg in a bad way, a really bad way. Now, not so much. 

I have been focusing on living in the now. So much of my life has been in survival mode. As a child I existed, kind of just floating by, once I got on my own and I was able to digest world by my own accord my diligence grew. I was being poured into by the world around me, my professors, my friends, bosses, experiences, cultures. And it drove me to grind harder than I ever had before. Working multiple jobs, attending a prestigious school soaking up priceless experiences. Once I began being in rooms with amazing indivisuals, speaking directly too me as a creative fully capable of succeeding within this realm. There were times were I would be full of gratitude just being in those rooms. Along with that grind of being in those rooms, I was grinding to take care of myself and be independent. Eventually I was on autopilot, survival mode. 

The year I graduated, I had a lot going on. I was actively looking for jobs on set, and some personal traumatic events happened. At some point I had a health scare, I was told it was led by stress... slowly brewing and eventualy errupted the summer of 2021. My health scare brought me to my hometown. My parents drove to Georgia, took me back home, helped me find a job with benefits, and I began working from home, bed ridden for months gradually recovering. I went from crashing waves and inconsistency, to subtle and still water. It drove me crazy. I was depressed, I was mass applying for film related jobs every day, my resume was revised 200 times. My anxiety and depression skyrocketed, and then I became a hermit. I stopped having my moments of self care, I stopped doing things that I loved, mentally I was in a bad place. 

The ladder half of the year I began attemping to get myself together again. I had ups and downs, but eventually things stuck. I found a project called Project 50 to help motivate me. To help me find structure again. Along with that, I am documenting everything. I will be releasing the mini documentary once I conclude my challange. 🖤