Obligated Male Syndrome

Here I am, 24, single, and observing like a mofo.

Life as I know it for a young lady in the dating community.

Now, I'm going to go off into three tangents: The perception of women, dating in my generation, and my personal experiences.

                                  

    I've realized that as I began to mold my values and self-worth (and I am still currently molding and growing).... There are things that I stand for, and things that I absolutely reject. Feeding into my male peer's self obligation to my body is one of the things that I will openly reject.

Growing up I've been fed that if you paint a certain image of yourself, then men have the right to objectify you with labels and expectations. You can't wear that and pose like this, you can't look like that, you're provoking the men. Regardless if you've been naturally born with beautiful features, and god forbid you embrace your natural sensuality as a woman... Something that we all have.

I have a big issue with the interpretation that being comfortable in your skin, and embracing your body means that any and every guy that approaches you deserves to have their way. This is patriarchal, misogynistic, and it's problematic. Thinking with this mindset is very low vibrational, and it's a very underdeveloped mentality. To think that a woman owes you sex if you find her physically attractive, and you decide to take interest in her is very childish and I mean like.... should you even be having sex at this point? Because I'm almost certain you have no idea what you're doing.

Many times, when a secure woman is expressing her sensuality, it is not at all about anyone outside of herself. Sometimes, you're just embracing your feminine energy in full appreciation of being the woman that you are. I am a fan of art, I go to an art school, and honestly I feel like the best art comes from nature. When I see the woman's body, I see nature, I see the mother, womban. It's some beautiful shit, we are beautiful! And as are men, but it's something so ethereal about the feminine energy and art. it's like as majestic as a unicorn. So yes, sex appeal is an art to me, but only when it's connected to its true authenticity. Sex appeal in marketing is entirely different, it's like the gmo representation of it, and it's completely empty & disconnected. The media can be a soulless environment, a lot of what is produced is definitely external based and it's not nutritional for the soul in any way. When a woman is in her true essence, it is pure and honest. Over the years, that has become heavily tainted and taken advantage of, as media grew, the ability to paint a certain negative depiction grew a platform too. Music, movies, ads, literally everything in our patriarchal society objectifies women. Which has become a very calculated chain reaction of how everyday people view women in our societies. I wrote an article on how our societies love to push shame on the act of sex, taking away it's sacred meaning and respect in our cultures. The same can be said for the woman's body and her sexuality.

Link to my article: Naked vs Nudity


So as the years have passed by, our species has gone through several different stages of mentalities brought on by indoctrinations and teachings through religions, or forcing slaves, and then eventually by shoving it down our throats via marketing. Today, I deal with a species that not only doesn't care about love in general, but they don't care about women when it comes to these interactions. Now, to me, dang near everyone has self-esteem issues. Especially within my racial community where black women and men are seen as a negative counterpart or some sort of fetish (sex slave) to other races. We tend to treat each other the same way, on some real willie lynch type of energy. Another thing with my generation is that we tend to be the most sensitive desensitized beings on this planet. I'll never understand how we can be machines that are offended by everything that doesn't cater to our McDonaldized minds. Yes, I'm kind of ripping on my own peers right now... but that's only because it kind of makes me nervous about the future. We have the generations above us manipulating us, and milking us like lab rats with disposable income (because according to one of my professors in the entertainment industry, that's exactly what we are). And in the midst of going through so much, we break out and bust through this simulation called marketing and we still manage to express our inner feelings and struggles, insecurities as a cry for help and support........ But we make it "cool", we turn mental illness and depression into a trending relatable meme. Now dysfunctional relationships and mentalities are romanticized. And patriarchy is like, a staple in our worlds.

Now I mentioned that I am molding myself into a newer version of myself. Since I began dating at 18, I've grown a lot in knowledge, of self, and of overall intellect, and I have grown to be more spiritually inclined and aware of how to lead a healthier life. I use to think a lot of silly and problematic shinanigans was cute when it came to dating, calling my ex-boyfriend "daddy" was one of them (sooo cringey, I think I forced myself to think that that was "sexy"). I had sex before recognizing the significance of it.. I've had sex with three exes in my timeline, all of whom I didn't know neither one of them enough during those relationships for it to have been a responsible decision. I dealt with a lot of pressure in 2/3 relationships, but I put most of my blame on not knowing the significance of sex and self-love. One ex I've known for probably 3 or 4 years before having had sex with him, and I still didn't really know him. Not once did I consider soul ties, or the physical repercussions. I was "in love" all three times lol. Sheesh, that is sooooooo cringey, saying it out loud. Since I've educated myself on sex, and the true sacred nature of it, and my sacred connection to sex as a woman (womban), I've had to endure major healing from my lack of knowledge while dealing with my boyfriends of the past. These days, I can't say that I've come across anyone that would even measure to being the kind of person that I would open my body, soul, and womb to. Guys do try, boy do they try, in the most laziest and subliminal ways ever. Now, I'm looking at guys like, is his diet terrible, is his sperm acidic? Will he f*ck up my ph balance, injecting acid into my womb? Is he low key mentally captive, does he have problematic views? Because if we ended up with child, I don't need a self-hating, closed-minded, mentally shackled man raising my seed. Is his family problematic? Is he willing to treat me with adoration? Will he travel with me, are our goals in alignment? Are we in alignment all around? Do I love him?? I can't just have sex with someone because he's cute. And it's really unfortunate that guys feel so comfortable to act on their pursuits just because a girl is cute. When guys make strong passes at me without even knowing me, truly I run so fast because how could you not have the utmost respect for yourself? How could you just put your peen in places obscene (not sure if that word fits my narrative entirely I just wanted to rhyme)? Now don’t get things confused, I’m amazing lol, and I treat myself as such..... As should any guy who desires to court me. I don’t deal with stagnant and empty energy, everything that I do has purpose, and I’ll never allow myself to be harmed through careless actions. How could you just have sex with a girl you know nothing about? And why would you trick her into compromising situations? Please just be straight up.

It grinds my gears when guys aren't upfront. They'll tell you that they find you amazing overall and then the next minute they're texting you asking to cuddle? And they'll say it's harmless, please tell me what is harmless cuddling to strangers really expected to be... FUCKING. I don't want to hear it lol. There are so many stories of guys opening their doors naked or being super aggressive behind closed doors to women that they never sent that memo to from the jump. Many men do this, from the broke dude living at his mom's crib, inviting you over while she's at work, to the successful doctor/lawyers. Creeps are alive and well. And many of them have successfully pressured insecure women into doing things that they didn't want to do because many women struggling with self-esteem and constantly enduring a lack of tlc want to have a feeling at least comparable to love, convinced in their minds after being sold the bs. It's really sad. I hate turning sweet guys down, I hate rejecting anyone for anything.... but when a guy is super nice and he shows me respect, I truly hate turning them down. I may push for a friendship, (because that's where anything starts with me anyway), but it's extremely upsetting when they turn out to be a sleaze. Honestly, just be real about what you want, save us both some time.

There are two forms of the obligated male syndrome. One is the single man sleazing around looking to dump acidic sperm into a bunch of females wombs, and then there's the boyfriends who convinced their girlfriends that they were ready to take it to that level by feeding fake love, and then treating them like they're nothing afterward. I've dodged and dealt with both. Now every woman has dealt with a sleaze, yall are out here babe 😬. Deep. And I mean deeeeep. But not too long ago I've experienced a new kind of victim of the syndrome. My ex-boyfriend was the poster child of it.

Let me tell y'all a story.

I started dating this guy, who adored me so much starting out, he chased me and eventually I began to admire him too. He showed me who he was and I began to like him for reasons that couldn't be sold through words. I found him to be so amazing and dedicated, so many qualities that I wanted in someone, he had. But somewhere down the line, it all faded. He began to stand me up, and then he became forgetful, paid less attention towards me, I was no longer any ounce of a priority. I'll never forget the first time he stood me up. We had taken our relationship to the next level, and I was so far gone (obviously my head was cloudy because I could've waited to become so invested), but anyways I digress. We had made plans for him to come over for dinner. I. Did. Everything. I cooked the best food ever, it was vodka sauce pasta off the garlic bread, with the salad, and wine, some real classy shit. Then I did my makeup, my hair, nails, shaved everything. I used my mango butter from Jade & Fox Co, the kind that makes my legs so shiny my mom calls it the "jezebel legs", I used organic perfume made with coconut and brown sugar so that I wasn't coated in chemicals but sugar instead, put on my little outfit, I saged my crib, I was listening to Sabrina Claudio, a whole vibe, I even freshly washed and dried some towels just in case he wanted to take a shower as soon as he got in and they'd be warm (not gonna lie that was on some inner nurturing future mom type shit, but whatever). I was happy and so full of love, and adoration, and I wanted to really be there for him. I even sent him these two selfies when I finished cooking with a cute little comment: It was like "When do I get to hang out with Mr._____" mad corny but cute! He was out with some friends, last minute after we had planned for this date, he said he'd drop in with them for a sec and head over. He came knocking on my door at 5 in the morning, drunk. The sun was up, food put up, makeup was off, sweat pants on, heart was broken. I started to evaluate a lot after that day. The effort that I've put in, with him at that moment, and the guys in the past. All of them felt obligated to have all of me, but who really deserved me. All of the cleansing and clearing that I still currently have to endure, due to soul ties with a guy that I loved so much who is literally nothing but a memory now. He's gone, but still lingering and having an effect on my current interactions with men, and how I perceive them. It's enough to make you stone cold. But the nurturer and the healer in me can't desensitize myself in the name of fear. My old soul loves love, and until I meet the man, who knows my worth, just as well as he knows his own, adores our union, and is in complete alignment with me, I'm completely comfortable with staying to myself. It's a serious battle out here, dealing with dysfunctional relationships, and the spiritual aftermath of it. You never know which roadblocks and hardships come from the last man you've let inside. Be careful, and respectful to yourself.

When a guy doesn't respect himself enough to take proper consideration and healthy steps towards intimacy, that's a reflection. And what that's really saying, is that he doesn't get the impression that you have enough respect for yourself. Like you're two scumbags that are in it to win it, together equally aligned in dysfunction. He may very well just have your self-appreciation and confidence within your own sexuality fucked up, due to a patriarchal upbringing... That could very well be true, but it is up to you to let him know that he cannot objectify you in that manner, do not allow him to pressure you into degrading yourself. Vibrate higher.


If you struggle with self-love, trust me I understand. I was a young girl, who had many moments where I never felt pretty, or skinny, desirable in any way growing up. But it wasn't until I took time to myself, away from my friends, and media, and I began to work on myself. I changed my diet as a result, and I was never the same. True self-love comes from within. And self-love is like the pre-requisite towards anything else regarding romance. After all, if you can't love yourself, how could you love anyone else?

Here's a link to this website created by Taylor Giavasis, this beautiful soul that I found out about through Willow Smith, another beautiful soul. Taylor made a website called The Naked Diaries, and it's a collective movement or revolution as stated, for women embracing their outward beauty as well as their inner beauty. Past the patriarchal and judgemental society, this page connects the sacred feminine energy to art.